Apr 25, 2018

I had begun to write about grief and grieving from my perspective a little while ago and abandoned the writing almost immediately. I found that although the words filled me I could not get them to flow from me. A nerve was touched. I so wanted to share and thought that I was truly at a place to share. Well, I am not sure that the flow will be constant but the words have begun to pour forth again.

“I know that I will be okay, right now I am in pain” is what I want to scream in the face of everyone who tries to reassure me that I will get through this. From October 28, 2017 to February 23, 2018 one person per week, close to my life died.  Through this period I gained a close personal relationship with grief. I learned first hand how grief could be a deep soul rending pain. I also learned how one more person dying could have no affect for lack of a new way to interpret the impact of the loss. 

I have chosen not to run from the pain. I have made a concerted choice to linger in the deep hurt and not run from it in search of pleasure or distraction or gratification. Embracing the adage “the best way to get rid of an enemy is to make them your friend”. I asked this hurt, this pain, this grief to be my teacher. Instead of asking the question “Why is this happening to me?” I asked the question “What is it that I need to learn?” I am not sure there is enough lifetime to learn it all, so with what time I have left I will continue my conversation with grief.

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