Billz Blob

Billz Blob
We are all unique and amazing. With this notion bouncing around inside me I offer to the world what I have to share. The words inside my head have reached to overflowing and in an attempt to keep from exploding I have taken to writing. What follows is the result of purging my mind. If you like what you see, SUBSCRIBE at the top of the page.

something died

Apr 9, 2015

(this was in a notebook I found I wrote this about an accident I nearly had while riding my motorcycle in North Hollywood, CA around 2003)
This morning a late model silver Toyota Tundra pick up truck ran a red light. It is such an  odd moment when disaster jumps in your path. My life did not flash before my eyes as I decelerated towards the moment of impact. What did flash before my  eyes were my options. At no point did I give in or give up and think there is no way out of this. I did not brace for the hit or ready myself for pain. Instead I saw that I had room to brake. I might even have room to accelerate around this thing.
(the motorcycle skidded to a stop 6-8 inches from the side of the truck. The female driver of the truck was more shaken than I was. Having averted disaster I drove off. The driver followed me to the alley where I was parking my bike to explain that her dog was choking in the back seat of the truck and she was distracted. I calmly looked at her and said “nothing happened”
4/9/15
So much life happened in the brief moments of this averted accident. Within that brief moment I lived fully. I saw options. I chose accordingly. The outcome was that nothing spectacular happened. And yet that was spectacular. The rest of that day was a haze of magical possibilities. Yet I cannot remember anything else that happened that day. I think at times that in the movie version of my life that would be the moment I died. The moment my soul refused to give up. And here I am dead refusing to cross over continuing on as if nothing happened. From that moment many many magical things and magical moments have happened in my life. And I wonder did I die that day? Or did I start living? It may not have been that day. It may have been that that day was the day that caused the scales to tip allowing me to see everything differently. I made a choice on how I wanted to live that moment without panic with full clarity of what lay before me. In that moment I focused solely on the option I had chosen. Nothing else mattered. Much like in meditation we un-focus everything except what we need to process through. In that moment my focus or hyper-focus on the situation at hand allowed me to slip through some gap in all that I had known into the space that I now live in. A place where the waking world is as surreal and malleable as the dream world. A part of me may have died in that moment. That part of me sacrificed itself so that this part of me could live fully.



Apr 8, 2015

The time is now. As a youngster I was terribly impatient. I wanted the special things to happen right now. So I impatiently waited.  I held my breath. I did nothing. I bided my time. I wish I could say that with maturity I have become more patient. I haven’t. I still want the special things to happen now. With maturity I do not just sit and wait for the special. I work toward the special moments. I create in the waiting time. Somewhere in my maturation I came to an awareness that some of the special moments are divine and some are man made. So instead of idly waiting for whoever creates the special moments to create the special moments I would create some. So I toil away in the waiting time creating moments. In the process I also discovered the specialness of now. Yes, now is a special moment created just for each of us. What makes it special? Just look around. It may be the people, places, and things in your life. For someone else it may be you in their life. Each time I find myself waiting for the special. I look around and realize the time is now.



contemplation

Apr 1, 2015

I dream a wonderful dream. I don’t want to wake. There are dreams within dreams and dreams within those dreams each layered and interlaced. Being aware of one layer makes me aware of the other layers. Like the house of mirrors I lose track of the original. And like the house of mirrors I can never see the original only the reflections. When I eventually wake will these three beautiful children remain? Will all that I covet continue to exist? How much of this world only exists in my mind and how much is a universal truth? I don’t want answers. I don’t want the anxiety of knowing this will go when I choose to un-blink. Regardless of what the next moment holds for us I am glad I dreamed you into my life. I am glad I dreamed your love into my life. Like a childhood toy that eventually breaks, I will always have this even after I wake.



Draw a new map

Mar 31, 2015

“Aim for the target”. “Keep your head up”. “Shoot for the stars”. I heard all of these and more growing up and I did as I was told. “I aimed high”. “I pushed to the limit.” I discovered there may be another way.  In 2005 I ran the length of the State of Vermont. From the north west corner (Highgate Springs) to the south east corner (Guilford). My prep for this was run, run, run. The running was not difficult because I like to run. But running in Vermont can be difficult because no place in Vermont is flat for long. When I trained I would decide either how far I wanted to run or for how long I wanted to run. In the process of all this running I figured out how to flatten out the state. Keep my head down. When I ran I would look about 6 to 8 feet in front of me. No matter if I was running uphill or downhill the road six feet before me looked the same. No obstacles. Also by looking down I placed my body position in a constant state of falling forward. I leaned in the direction I was going. Everything was flat. All my runs became flat runs. There were normal flats, slow flats (uphill) and fast flats (downhill) but they all looked the same. I accomplished this discovery by not listening to what I was told. I did not keep my head up. And yet I found a new way. I didn’t overcome the obstacles I removed them before they became obstacles. I found a new way. A way that worked for me. I relate this story not as a means of telling anyone how to do something my way but rather to illustrate that I found a new way that works for me. Each of us works to accomplish a great number of tasks in our lifetime. Often we take advice from others on how best to achieve our goals. This anecdote is to say you may already have the solution, “Go with your gut”. Find your way and have a blast discovering it.


Dreamcatcher BF

just living

Mar 27, 2015

Not every day is a special day.
Some days have to be ‘the day before’ or ‘the day after’
and since yesterday was a good day, yeah just a good day, and tomorrow isn’t here,
today is a special day.
My hopes and dreams are still alive today.
And there is weather and food.
And the people I love are close by.
Today is a special day.
I have a feeling about tomorrow, a good feeling.
But I’m gonna soak up today while it’s here.



Dreamcatcher BF

Black Friday

Mar 26, 2015

Today is black Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday.
Everyday is black day.
Although I have tried, I have never been un-black.
I have been told it is okay to be overwhelmed by being me.
Thus making it okay to be my own burden.
I am black.
Yes, I can dance, I just can't dance out of my skin.
I have tried, to be less black for this interview, to be more black for that crowd.
I have bleached my hair.
I can not bleach my soul.
I have wrestled with myself, only to stop when considering who the winner will be.
I must unburden myself of the burden that I am a burden.
I must dance into my skin, dance into my soul.
I must, by loving me, let others know how to love me.
Today is Black Friday, My Friday.
Today is the day I stop bearing the overwhelming burden of being me.
Today I stop being only black and start being all black.
Today is when being fully me helps you be fully you.
Today is Black Friday.
Tomorrow is Black Saturday.
Each day will begin black and end black.
Forever it will be that way.




Dreamcatcher BF
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