Billz Blob

Billz Blob
We are all unique and amazing. With this notion bouncing around inside me I offer to the world what I have to share. The words inside my head have reached to overflowing and in an attempt to keep from exploding I have taken to writing. What follows is the result of purging my mind. If you like what you see, SUBSCRIBE at the top of the page.

contemplation

Apr 1, 2015

I dream a wonderful dream. I don’t want to wake. There are dreams within dreams and dreams within those dreams each layered and interlaced. Being aware of one layer makes me aware of the other layers. Like the house of mirrors I lose track of the original. And like the house of mirrors I can never see the original only the reflections. When I eventually wake will these three beautiful children remain? Will all that I covet continue to exist? How much of this world only exists in my mind and how much is a universal truth? I don’t want answers. I don’t want the anxiety of knowing this will go when I choose to un-blink. Regardless of what the next moment holds for us I am glad I dreamed you into my life. I am glad I dreamed your love into my life. Like a childhood toy that eventually breaks, I will always have this even after I wake.



Draw a new map

Mar 31, 2015

“Aim for the target”. “Keep your head up”. “Shoot for the stars”. I heard all of these and more growing up and I did as I was told. “I aimed high”. “I pushed to the limit.” I discovered there may be another way.  In 2005 I ran the length of the State of Vermont. From the north west corner (Highgate Springs) to the south east corner (Guilford). My prep for this was run, run, run. The running was not difficult because I like to run. But running in Vermont can be difficult because no place in Vermont is flat for long. When I trained I would decide either how far I wanted to run or for how long I wanted to run. In the process of all this running I figured out how to flatten out the state. Keep my head down. When I ran I would look about 6 to 8 feet in front of me. No matter if I was running uphill or downhill the road six feet before me looked the same. No obstacles. Also by looking down I placed my body position in a constant state of falling forward. I leaned in the direction I was going. Everything was flat. All my runs became flat runs. There were normal flats, slow flats (uphill) and fast flats (downhill) but they all looked the same. I accomplished this discovery by not listening to what I was told. I did not keep my head up. And yet I found a new way. I didn’t overcome the obstacles I removed them before they became obstacles. I found a new way. A way that worked for me. I relate this story not as a means of telling anyone how to do something my way but rather to illustrate that I found a new way that works for me. Each of us works to accomplish a great number of tasks in our lifetime. Often we take advice from others on how best to achieve our goals. This anecdote is to say you may already have the solution, “Go with your gut”. Find your way and have a blast discovering it.


Dreamcatcher BF

just living

Mar 27, 2015

Not every day is a special day.
Some days have to be ‘the day before’ or ‘the day after’
and since yesterday was a good day, yeah just a good day, and tomorrow isn’t here,
today is a special day.
My hopes and dreams are still alive today.
And there is weather and food.
And the people I love are close by.
Today is a special day.
I have a feeling about tomorrow, a good feeling.
But I’m gonna soak up today while it’s here.



Dreamcatcher BF

Black Friday

Mar 26, 2015

Today is black Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday.
Everyday is black day.
Although I have tried, I have never been un-black.
I have been told it is okay to be overwhelmed by being me.
Thus making it okay to be my own burden.
I am black.
Yes, I can dance, I just can't dance out of my skin.
I have tried, to be less black for this interview, to be more black for that crowd.
I have bleached my hair.
I can not bleach my soul.
I have wrestled with myself, only to stop when considering who the winner will be.
I must unburden myself of the burden that I am a burden.
I must dance into my skin, dance into my soul.
I must, by loving me, let others know how to love me.
Today is Black Friday, My Friday.
Today is the day I stop bearing the overwhelming burden of being me.
Today I stop being only black and start being all black.
Today is when being fully me helps you be fully you.
Today is Black Friday.
Tomorrow is Black Saturday.
Each day will begin black and end black.
Forever it will be that way.




Dreamcatcher BF

resurrection

Mar 26, 2015

I died 5 years ago
the moment I let doubt overshadow hope
when I stopped believing that which I am was ‘enough’
and started  accepting “I need do more”.
I stopped breathing.
When I started listening to my ego
and stopped following my heart
it slowed at first, then it stopped beating.
Consumed by keeping up with the Jones’s (whoever they are)
I stopped dreaming.
There is food on the table but my soul stopped feeding years ago.
The shame is no one misses me.
No one misses what I did not do because it was not expected to be done.
No one knew that I was the one
the one who conjures the miracles
Unseen miracles are not missed.
I miss me.
As of today I stop doing what is expected of me.
Today I return to the place I died,
to the place I remain unmoving.
I have found the courage to breathe life into me.
We need, Hell, I need me to bring back the miracles.
I need me to once again close my eyes and see that doing things is not living life.
I died 5 years ago.
Today I resurrect me.



in this skin

Mar 25, 2015

I did not choose the color of my skin.
I did not choose on my body what parts stick out and what pokes in.
I did get to choose the me I am today.
what I’m gonna wear,
how I’m gonna act
and what I’m gonna say.
Following the lead of parents and teachers and mentors wise.
I fall down
I get up
I keep my eyes on the prize.
My voice may be strong but need not be loud.
My word filled with truth do my ancestors proud.
With trials and errors I’ve found my style.
When you see my actions or hear my words, I hope you smile.
I did not choose my height, my sex, my skin.
I did choose to live fully in the skin I’m in.


Dreamcatcher BF
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