Billz Blob

Billz Blob
We are all unique and amazing. With this notion bouncing around inside me I offer to the world what I have to share. The words inside my head have reached to overflowing and in an attempt to keep from exploding I have taken to writing. What follows is the result of purging my mind. If you like what you see, SUBSCRIBE at the top of the page.

a poem a day (4/30/18)

Apr 30, 2018

The space within is greater, itself, than the thing 
the unknowable far exceeds the known,
it is not hearing or seeing that is accepting, 
it is fully grasping the un - known.

Dreamcatcher BF

a poem a day (4/27/18)

Apr 27, 2018

The divine enters, 
on rays of sunshine, 
in the song of birds,
with the breath of wind. 
With each creation the divine becomes again.

a poem a day (4/26/18)

Apr 26, 2018

The leaf is me,
alone on the tree,
awaiting my buds in the spring.

Dreamcatcher BF

Grieving (4/26/18)

Apr 26, 2018

When is it okay to not be okay? Drowning in air, unable to breath as the muscles constrict daring me to stop breathing. Fighting breathe unsure why I am fighting when succumbing would be so much easier. My vision blurs allowing me to see only what I don’t look at and nothing that I try to see. I would cry but that would only make my vision worse. All this for what? What is the root of this? Are these feelings and emotions just visiting or did I create them am I creating them? Is this normal? I am saturated with…. This….. It has no name. “This” is the brick that is sitting on my diaphragm making it hard to breath, not allowing space for my heart to beat normally. “This” is the brick of false reality that signifies that “This” is not a fantasy, “This” is real. And yet “This” is not real. There is no brick, even though it feels like there is. “This” is not real, there is nothing to fear. “This” is not real, I am okay even though I  feel “This”.  Fantasy, Dream, Nightmare, Reality, Feeling, Fact all blur into “This”. Why am I creating “This”? Or Wha is creating “This”? What am I to learn from “This”? And I have just shifted from feeling “This” with my heart to rationalizing “This”with my head. I am not sure that my head and my heart will ever be able to reconcile their accounts. And I don’t care if they do because for the moment I am distracted by that dilemma and I can breathe. I am okay within the distraction. I am okay and I am also not okay, for now.

Dreamcatcher BF

a poem a day (4/25/18)

Apr 25, 2018

pitter pitter pat liquid life feeds emerging flora,
permeating warmth awakens the solstice sleepers,
earth's aroma touches multiple senses reminding the heart to continue.

Dreamcatcher BF


Apr 25, 2018

I had begun to write about grief and grieving from my perspective a little while ago and abandoned the writing almost immediately. I found that although the words filled me I could not get them to flow from me. A nerve was touched. I so wanted to share and thought that I was truly at a place to share. Well, I am not sure that the flow will be constant but the words have begun to pour forth again.

“I know that I will be okay, right now I am in pain” is what I want to scream in the face of everyone who tries to reassure me that I will get through this. From October 28, 2017 to February 23, 2018 one person per week, close to my life died.  Through this period I gained a close personal relationship with grief. I learned first hand how grief could be a deep soul rending pain. I also learned how one more person dying could have no affect for lack of a new way to interpret the impact of the loss. 

I have chosen not to run from the pain. I have made a concerted choice to linger in the deep hurt and not run from it in search of pleasure or distraction or gratification. Embracing the adage “the best way to get rid of an enemy is to make them your friend”. I asked this hurt, this pain, this grief to be my teacher. Instead of asking the question “Why is this happening to me?” I asked the question “What is it that I need to learn?” I am not sure there is enough lifetime to learn it all, so with what time I have left I will continue my conversation with grief.

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