Billz Blob

Billz Blob
We are all unique and amazing. With this notion bouncing around inside me I offer to the world what I have to share. The words inside my head have reached to overflowing and in an attempt to keep from exploding I have taken to writing. What follows is the result of purging my mind. If you like what you see, SUBSCRIBE at the top of the page.

resurrection

Mar 26, 2015

I died 5 years ago
the moment I let doubt overshadow hope
when I stopped believing that which I am was ‘enough’
and started  accepting “I need do more”.
I stopped breathing.
When I started listening to my ego
and stopped following my heart
it slowed at first, then it stopped beating.
Consumed by keeping up with the Jones’s (whoever they are)
I stopped dreaming.
There is food on the table but my soul stopped feeding years ago.
The shame is no one misses me.
No one misses what I did not do because it was not expected to be done.
No one knew that I was the one
the one who conjures the miracles
Unseen miracles are not missed.
I miss me.
As of today I stop doing what is expected of me.
Today I return to the place I died,
to the place I remain unmoving.
I have found the courage to breathe life into me.
We need, Hell, I need me to bring back the miracles.
I need me to once again close my eyes and see that doing things is not living life.
I died 5 years ago.
Today I resurrect me.



in this skin

Mar 25, 2015

I did not choose the color of my skin.
I did not choose on my body what parts stick out and what pokes in.
I did get to choose the me I am today.
what I’m gonna wear,
how I’m gonna act
and what I’m gonna say.
Following the lead of parents and teachers and mentors wise.
I fall down
I get up
I keep my eyes on the prize.
My voice may be strong but need not be loud.
My word filled with truth do my ancestors proud.
With trials and errors I’ve found my style.
When you see my actions or hear my words, I hope you smile.
I did not choose my height, my sex, my skin.
I did choose to live fully in the skin I’m in.


Dreamcatcher BF

being / doing

Mar 24, 2015

For the second time in less than a week I could not sleep. My head, like a freshly kicked bee hive was abuzz with activity. A call to action. All that must be done parading through my mind and yet this call to action was more than about the doing. Many times in my life I have asked for a sign. Some affirmation that I was on the right path. Each night before bed I go outside and look to the night sky wondering if there will be a sign. A shooting star perhaps? Each night nothing. This sleepless night was a sign. It also made me aware of the other signs that I have been given yet was not aware of at the time. The most prominent sign is in my name “B”.  I scanned my life last night. “B” business, bill, billosophy, brand, body, being. My life has become a string of “B”s. What does it say? What does it mean? It is not cryptic it is simplistic. “B”. Any reader has gotten it by now, my sign was, is to just be. Whoa Nellie! How do I provide by just being? I have a family. I have a mortgage. There are repairs to be made, vehicles to fuel. None of theses things get done by just being. So what must I do? There is that answer again “BE”.  It can not be that simple. We all know or think we know that in order for something to happen we must “do”. I have gotten to where I am by doing. I have done heaps. And now I should just be? I am a man of faith. I have been given my marching orders. Today I begin being not just being but fully being. Today and each subsequent today until the today that I am given new orders. Until the today a new sign is given I will be fully engaged in being.



nothing

Mar 23, 2015

Nothing. Nirvana. The idea of striving for an equilibrium where existence is amplified by the absence of things is both welcoming and daunting. In living I am in a constant state of gaining more. More experience, more friends, more memories, more things. In identifying what more I have I am more greatly befuddled, trying to wrap my head around less. I have no idea how to un-tether myself  from the balloon of all that I currently know. I know how to learn and even the learning is gaining more. I am not sure how I gain the knowledge of nothing. I grasp at it and seize nothing. I question my action, my intention, my awareness, I gain nothing. Am I missing the point? Or is this the point? And maybe it is not for me to strive for nothing? Maybe I should not be trying to grasp nothing? Maybe the question is the answer and the answer is nothing. For the absence of the answer to the question may be the same as the absence of the question for the answer? I see that it is impossible to search for nothing as it is impossible to find nothing. In this discovery, this understanding I stop my quest, I stop hunting this illusion. I stop playing this game and I allow nothing to discover me. I empower the nothing to find me where I am. I allow nothing to target me, just being.



Dreamcatcher BF

searching for intelligent life

Mar 13, 2015

Searching to find myself is pretty ridiculous. I mean, because after all I am right here. I can look on a map and tell you right where I am. But what if I am not from here? I wonder if there is anyone else who feels that maybe they are not from this planet? At times I feel connected to a place that is disconnected from this earth. From time to time there is a longing within me to return  to a place that I have never been. A calling from a far away place that wants me to return.  Have you ever written something that upon reading made you question who wrote it? I just did. I have just strung together words that express what I am thinking yet would never come out of my mouth. Questions I dare not speak, for fear they will alienate me even further from those I long to, need to connect with. Words that make me feel lost although I know exactly where I am. I feel I must protect myself from you. I don’t think I am from outer space. I was born here. I grew up here. So why do I miss a place I do not know? What is this that I am feeling? Will the answer help me connect with my higher self? Will the questions drive me crazy? Until I have answers here I am. From here I will continue to string the words together in an order that tries to make sense of the that which fills my head.



validation

Mar 12, 2015

The following is as true as I can remember.
Two years of study at a college in my community.
My grades standing on their toes struggled to reach “D”.
As far as I could see
a diploma was not to be.
Without matriculation would I have validation?
So I trained my body to do what I need,
and hoped my mind would take the seed.
Decades and continents, so many friends, so many faces.
My learning was in the world from these people from these places.
and oh, what I learned would not have come from the ivy-ed walls.
Information gained from back allieys, back streets and hawker stalls.
What semester would have trained me to see a fuller spectrum of light?
that my worth is not from validation but birth right.
Each day continues my education,
for only I can issue my validation.



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